I fear tests. The very idea of a test gets my blood churning. The anticipation, the horror of having to take one just does it for me. The concept of having to sit through three or four hours of mind-breaking information kills me. The funny thing is that for as long as I can remember I have always been this way. Even when I was a little kid and I had to take a coloring test I got nervous. When the teacher said get your crayons ready, I would wet in the pants. Then in middle school it got worse because I started throwing up before an exam because I could not handle the anxiety. By high school it was a regular routine for me to get nervous, anxious and of course race to the bathroom before I had to take a quiz. Lo and behold by the time college came around I had it more under control than in high school, but I always felt worried before tests. What if I scored terribly? What would my parents say if I failed? How could I face my peers? And what If I couldn’t find a job because my scores weren’t good enough? That of course never happened, but you get the idea. Now that I’ve finished college I have gotten over the fear of taking academic tests, but the problem is that now I have to take subject matter tests to prove the competency of my ability to teach and so forth. I don’t get it. Why do I have to prove that I understand literature when I already have a bachelor’s degree? Isn’t that piece of paper enough to say that I know English? I guess not. I guess the Teachers of America must understand that I am competent enough to teach the subject by making me take a test that proves I know English. Yeah, Im excited that I passed the first two sections. But what about the third and fourth part? I haven’t passed those yet and to be quite honest with you I am terrified. I am terrified of having to go into that classroom on July 19, 2008 and take the very test that will determine my fate as an educator. What if I don’t pass? What if everything I have dreamed and hoped for disappears? What If I don’t make it into the second semester of the program? Ah. The very idea of not passing frightens me. And now to top it all off, I have to take the GRE and GRE Subject Test for English.
The GRE. Uggh. I hate the word. I took a class to prepare for it and I feel like I came out of it worse than when I entered. I spent months scrambling over words, learning math formulas and practicing hints that would make me improve my score. Now what do I have to show for it? A 470 in Verbal and 510 in Math. Gosh, you would think that by now I would be doing better in Verbal than in Math. But of course not. It’s the other way around. I guess all those hours of studying Math made me improve, but unfortunately grad schools aren’t looking at my Math score, what they care to see if I understand verbal concepts. Apparently I don’t. Apparently top tier schools will be scrutinizing my scores. To think that a test can create all these feelings of self-doubt and anxiety. To think that one simple test can do all of this and more? Unfortunately yes. But I have something better than all of that to my advantage. The power of the pen to write about how nonsensical I think it is.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Ever had one of those days that just irks you? That makes you angry, frustrated and all together miserable for a period of 24 hours? Well, I did. At least today was one of those days. In an effort to defer my loans I went to the orientation of a Spanish class at my local community college. The orientation was pretty boring. Same nonsense of how to sign on for the chats, where to post my discussions and how to contact my professor. See, I’m a bit of a slacker. I don’t really want to show up to class so I take online classes instead. It’s really quite a brilliant idea and one that works out pretty well if it weren’t for these orientations. But enough about that. The truth is I spent most of the time logged onto gmail communicating with my sister Kendra about work. See, im in a bit of bind because I can’t find a job. It’s really quite terrible. I have been searching for the past two weeks and can’t find anything. Nada. Nothing. Zilch. It’s as though my resumes and credentials have slipped past the eyes of anybody important and I am left to fight the cruel and brutal world on my own. Well, I do have my parents and a roof over my head but you get the picture. Well, I was on gmail when I received an email from an inquiry I had made at the LA Times. Oh, The LA Times you ask? Yes, the LA Times. Apparently there were no job openings, but they would keep my resume on hand should anything pop up. Great I thought. Another nice of way of telling me to take a big hike somewhere else. To forget about my dreams of being a published writer and send my materials to the local mediocre paper. Just what I needed. Another employer to tell me that I wasn’t good enough.
Eventually the orientation ended and I walked towards the parking lot. In the back of my mind, I really believed that even if I was gone for three hours no one would ticket me. I mean how could they possibly ticket a struggling college student that needs to attend classes and get materials? There was no way that could happen. Besides, it’s not like people really control that, right? Wrong. Very wrong. I walked towards my car and looked at the windshield. There it sat. A big white notice with writing in black ink. A ticket. Great I thought. No job, no money and no way of being able to pay this disaster. I got in my car said “uggghhh” about a dozen times and went home.
At home I opened my email again. This time it was for a position as a writing center tutor at another local community college. The woman that responded was nice, well as nice as someone can be over email. She told me that I could forward my resume to her and that she would like to schedule me for an interview. Normally one would be happy about this. Heck normally I would be ecstatic about this, but the problem is that I have already gone on about a billion interviews and nothing has resulted from them. The way I look at it this woman is telling me to come back in five years. She got my resume all right, but who knows if anything will ever develop. I know I probably shouldn’t be so pessimistic, but heck if you’re luck had been as bad as mine you’d be acting the exact same way too.
In any case, the day continued to disintegrate into tiny little pieces. I had recently taken the CSET, a test designed to measure my skills in the English language. You see, I am planning on becoming a teacher and I have to pass the CSET in order to complete the teacher-credentialing program. Well, I got two emails today. They both revealed my grades from the last two sections of the test. And, lo and behold what do you think they said? Well, I didn’t pass the third section or the fourth. Basically I had failed. The big F word was what I felt like saying. How could this be possible? Wasn’t I somewhat qualified to pass this test? Hadn’t I done my best and proven it on the test? Well, I actually hadn’t I had taken a four hour test in one hour and thirty minutes. But it really wasn’t my fault. I mean I was getting ready to leave the country and the last thing on my mind was the CSET. It didn’t matter though. I could cry and throw a tantrum and it wouldn’t really change the situation. I had altogether blown my chances of finishing this damn test by disregarding the last two sections. I wish I could say that my day got better. That someone called me and offered me a job, or that my ticket had miraculously been withdrawn but it hadn’t. My day ended pretty much the way it had started, with a series of mindless emails.
-HS
Eventually the orientation ended and I walked towards the parking lot. In the back of my mind, I really believed that even if I was gone for three hours no one would ticket me. I mean how could they possibly ticket a struggling college student that needs to attend classes and get materials? There was no way that could happen. Besides, it’s not like people really control that, right? Wrong. Very wrong. I walked towards my car and looked at the windshield. There it sat. A big white notice with writing in black ink. A ticket. Great I thought. No job, no money and no way of being able to pay this disaster. I got in my car said “uggghhh” about a dozen times and went home.
At home I opened my email again. This time it was for a position as a writing center tutor at another local community college. The woman that responded was nice, well as nice as someone can be over email. She told me that I could forward my resume to her and that she would like to schedule me for an interview. Normally one would be happy about this. Heck normally I would be ecstatic about this, but the problem is that I have already gone on about a billion interviews and nothing has resulted from them. The way I look at it this woman is telling me to come back in five years. She got my resume all right, but who knows if anything will ever develop. I know I probably shouldn’t be so pessimistic, but heck if you’re luck had been as bad as mine you’d be acting the exact same way too.
In any case, the day continued to disintegrate into tiny little pieces. I had recently taken the CSET, a test designed to measure my skills in the English language. You see, I am planning on becoming a teacher and I have to pass the CSET in order to complete the teacher-credentialing program. Well, I got two emails today. They both revealed my grades from the last two sections of the test. And, lo and behold what do you think they said? Well, I didn’t pass the third section or the fourth. Basically I had failed. The big F word was what I felt like saying. How could this be possible? Wasn’t I somewhat qualified to pass this test? Hadn’t I done my best and proven it on the test? Well, I actually hadn’t I had taken a four hour test in one hour and thirty minutes. But it really wasn’t my fault. I mean I was getting ready to leave the country and the last thing on my mind was the CSET. It didn’t matter though. I could cry and throw a tantrum and it wouldn’t really change the situation. I had altogether blown my chances of finishing this damn test by disregarding the last two sections. I wish I could say that my day got better. That someone called me and offered me a job, or that my ticket had miraculously been withdrawn but it hadn’t. My day ended pretty much the way it had started, with a series of mindless emails.
-HS
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Lowe's vs. Home Depot
Loew’s vs. Home Depot. The contemplation is mind boggling. Well not so much for me. Well, that’s what I could catch myself thinking inside of Lowe’s. My sister’s boyfriend Mike and my father kept saying Lowe’s would have the piece needed to rescue the bathroom sink. I thought otherwise. “You’re crazy” I interjected. “Lowe’s is a mom and pop store you’re never gonna find it there “I replied. In reality, Lowe’s is not a mom and pop store and I’m not quite sure if I said that simply to be a jackass or because I really thought it was a bad store. In any account Mike didn’t take my advice and we went to Lowe’s.
It took us about 15 minutes to find the correct aisle to buy the piece needed for the sink and when we did there was a gentleman hovering over the area where the piece could be found. I kept thinking to myself maybe if I just tell him to step aside he will? Or perhaps something will catch his attention and he will be forced to go somewhere else? It didn’t take very long for the gentleman to take a hint and he stepped aside. My father and Mike kept searching and searching for the correct piece, which apparently was being sold by itself. I on the other hand, had other business to attend to. I had disappeared into the other aisle with my sister, Kendra, where she had curiously found a can of paint. I lifted up the can, inspected its small size and shape and told her I would roll it across Lowe’s. “You’re crazy” she said “You’d never do it”. Oh wouldn’t I? I thought. She apparently didn’t know me very well. “Alrighty I will”. So I took the can of paint rolled it across the floor and it exploded everywhere. Just kidding. It didn’t exactly explode or spill its contents anywhere, but I thought I would just say that for fun. No, it simply rolled and my sister then got mad at me for paying attention to her, by which I heard my voice and realized that we were still looking for that piece for the bathroom sink. “Over there” I told Mike. “That guy can help.” Which of course he did. He pointed us over to the right direction and instructed us as to where to get the piece. Unfortunately, as the song goes, it wasn’t what we were looking for. It cost 30 bucks and we only needed a piece of what was being sold. “Told you” I said. This store is terrible, Home Depot will have it. My sister looked at me and said “Looks like Hillary will get to go to Home Depot after all.” And we did.
When we arrived to Home Depot call it an instinct or call it wisdom but I just knew they would have that piece that would make my father’s Father’s Day. So we went straight to the aisle and lo and behold they were out of it. It was just our luck that a worker who we had questioned before on a previous visit was walking by. He was on his cell phone. We of course did not want to disturb the man that would save our day so we simply waited for him to get off the phone. He did and right then and there he said he could get the piece we needed from storage. He gave us that piece and tada I knew it Home Depot did have everything and it was better than Loews! Or so I thought. We got ready to leave the store and pay for the item when we all started to notice something somewhat fishy. There were no people working the checkout registers, they were all self-checkouts. I didn’t think much of it at first, even after we were sent to the wrong checkout aisle and brought back again, but after a double inspection I noticed there were only two workers. Possibly only three in the whole store! How could that be? My life, okay maybe not my life, but the store that I had so ardently publicized was without workers?! “Wow my father said, they are pretty thrifty around here, not to pay there workers, at least Lowe's pays their workers.” He was right. She was right. An incredulous smile came across my face and I realized my very superficial mistake.
-HS
It took us about 15 minutes to find the correct aisle to buy the piece needed for the sink and when we did there was a gentleman hovering over the area where the piece could be found. I kept thinking to myself maybe if I just tell him to step aside he will? Or perhaps something will catch his attention and he will be forced to go somewhere else? It didn’t take very long for the gentleman to take a hint and he stepped aside. My father and Mike kept searching and searching for the correct piece, which apparently was being sold by itself. I on the other hand, had other business to attend to. I had disappeared into the other aisle with my sister, Kendra, where she had curiously found a can of paint. I lifted up the can, inspected its small size and shape and told her I would roll it across Lowe’s. “You’re crazy” she said “You’d never do it”. Oh wouldn’t I? I thought. She apparently didn’t know me very well. “Alrighty I will”. So I took the can of paint rolled it across the floor and it exploded everywhere. Just kidding. It didn’t exactly explode or spill its contents anywhere, but I thought I would just say that for fun. No, it simply rolled and my sister then got mad at me for paying attention to her, by which I heard my voice and realized that we were still looking for that piece for the bathroom sink. “Over there” I told Mike. “That guy can help.” Which of course he did. He pointed us over to the right direction and instructed us as to where to get the piece. Unfortunately, as the song goes, it wasn’t what we were looking for. It cost 30 bucks and we only needed a piece of what was being sold. “Told you” I said. This store is terrible, Home Depot will have it. My sister looked at me and said “Looks like Hillary will get to go to Home Depot after all.” And we did.
When we arrived to Home Depot call it an instinct or call it wisdom but I just knew they would have that piece that would make my father’s Father’s Day. So we went straight to the aisle and lo and behold they were out of it. It was just our luck that a worker who we had questioned before on a previous visit was walking by. He was on his cell phone. We of course did not want to disturb the man that would save our day so we simply waited for him to get off the phone. He did and right then and there he said he could get the piece we needed from storage. He gave us that piece and tada I knew it Home Depot did have everything and it was better than Loews! Or so I thought. We got ready to leave the store and pay for the item when we all started to notice something somewhat fishy. There were no people working the checkout registers, they were all self-checkouts. I didn’t think much of it at first, even after we were sent to the wrong checkout aisle and brought back again, but after a double inspection I noticed there were only two workers. Possibly only three in the whole store! How could that be? My life, okay maybe not my life, but the store that I had so ardently publicized was without workers?! “Wow my father said, they are pretty thrifty around here, not to pay there workers, at least Lowe's pays their workers.” He was right. She was right. An incredulous smile came across my face and I realized my very superficial mistake.
-HS
Hello!
I am Hillary Spears and I would like to tell you a little something about myself. I grew up in Southern Calfornia, yes, "The OC"and it was pretty much what you would probably imagine. The surfers, the punks, the rockers---it was pretty much a show. I still live in OC, with my parents that is, and you can usually find me writing, reading, going to the mall, hanging out with my friends in LA and OC--shout out to AA, my good friend and trying to keep each day a bit more interesting than the last, that is by writing about it.
So you're probably wondering what I do now? Well, Im sort of taking a vacay this summer, kind of working but not really till I go back to school in August to become a teacher. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention I went to USC and studied English Lit. It was very deep and introspective major...LOL Sort of but for the most part I had a really good time reading some interesting books and poems, oh yes I forgot to mention i really enjoy poetry, and being in a sorority. Yes, I am a former sorority girl! Anywho I'm back to school to become a teacher, well that is for now. What I really want to do is write and hopefully one day you will see me published in the New Yorker or Atlantic, or something even crazier than that, fame perhaps....JK.
-HS
So you're probably wondering what I do now? Well, Im sort of taking a vacay this summer, kind of working but not really till I go back to school in August to become a teacher. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention I went to USC and studied English Lit. It was very deep and introspective major...LOL Sort of but for the most part I had a really good time reading some interesting books and poems, oh yes I forgot to mention i really enjoy poetry, and being in a sorority. Yes, I am a former sorority girl! Anywho I'm back to school to become a teacher, well that is for now. What I really want to do is write and hopefully one day you will see me published in the New Yorker or Atlantic, or something even crazier than that, fame perhaps....JK.
-HS
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